Sorry in advance for the randomness of my thoughts. I’m pretty much just typing everything that’s in my head. It’s very disorganized and hard to figure out...
All three hours of church today seemed to be directed right at me. Isn’t that always the case? The main topic was adversity. Obviously that, and pretty much every lesson since April, has made me think about my situation. I didn’t think I would want to publicize my thoughts and feelings, but for some reason I am.
The Sunday School lesson started off with D&C 121:7 “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;” If you would have read this to me three months ago and expected me to be understanding of it, you probably would have gotten punched in the face a few times. But I really feel like I understand that now. Yes, this next year is going to be extremely difficult being “alone” in Idaho while I count the days until I can move back to Canada, but it won’t be anything compared to eternity. Adversity is in the Lord’s time. I just need to learn to be patient. I really enjoyed the discussion we had after reading D&C 98:11 “And I give unto you a commandment, that ye shall forsake all evil and cleave unto all good, that ye shall live by every word which proceedeth forth out of the mouth of God.” It is so easy to leave what you know to be good and right when adversity comes, but that is the exact opposite of what we should do. We need to cleave unto all good. I am surprised and proud (is it weird to say that I am proud of myself?) of how I handled, and continue to handle everything. I could’ve drunk my sorrows, given up on the church and everything else that mattered. And don’t get me wrong; those thoughts did cross my mind. But it seems without even thinking I knew what I was supposed to do. I went to the temple as soon as I could after I came home to an empty apartment. Yes I bawled through many a session, but I just knew I was supposed to be there. I was so lucky to live five minutes away from the temple, so I could go once or twice a week. (I miss that now that I am in Canada - threeish hours away from the temple). That first nightmarish night I restarted my personal prayers and scripture study, and haven’t missed a day since. I am incredibly grateful these things just came naturally to me. I don’t know why, since they have been sitting on the back burner the past few years. Am I 100% okay now? Not even close. I am still so angry that my eternal companion abandoned me without as much as a note or phone call. I am furious that I didn’t get to decide my own future. It’s not fair that something so sacred and personal was taken away from me, and I didn’t even get a say or an opinion. But deep down I really am grateful and relieved. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I’ve forgotten how happy I used to be and how much happier I can be. I feel like this summer has been such a great experience for me. I lost so much control in areas of my life, and needed to get it back. My parents have been so good to me, and so helpful and loving. They’ve encouraged me and lifted me up. I feel like I have control back. I am so proud of myself for finally sticking to my diet and exercise routine (for the most part) and losing close to 20 pounds so far! Do I have happy feelings towards Tyler? Not a chance. Do I wish bad things would happen to him? Not anymore... But I will definitely run and hide if I ever see him again!
We didn’t read this scripture today, but it was on the next page of where we were, and I have always loved it. D&C 123:17 “Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” I am not going to let Tyler ruin my chance of eternal exaltation. I am going to be happy and cheerful as I continue to go through this, and a million more challenges.
p.s. I really appreciate all the uplifting comments/messages you have given me through here, facebook, emails, real life. It’s nice to know I have a lot of loving and nonjudgmental friends!
All three hours of church today seemed to be directed right at me. Isn’t that always the case? The main topic was adversity. Obviously that, and pretty much every lesson since April, has made me think about my situation. I didn’t think I would want to publicize my thoughts and feelings, but for some reason I am.
The Sunday School lesson started off with D&C 121:7 “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;” If you would have read this to me three months ago and expected me to be understanding of it, you probably would have gotten punched in the face a few times. But I really feel like I understand that now. Yes, this next year is going to be extremely difficult being “alone” in Idaho while I count the days until I can move back to Canada, but it won’t be anything compared to eternity. Adversity is in the Lord’s time. I just need to learn to be patient. I really enjoyed the discussion we had after reading D&C 98:11 “And I give unto you a commandment, that ye shall forsake all evil and cleave unto all good, that ye shall live by every word which proceedeth forth out of the mouth of God.” It is so easy to leave what you know to be good and right when adversity comes, but that is the exact opposite of what we should do. We need to cleave unto all good. I am surprised and proud (is it weird to say that I am proud of myself?) of how I handled, and continue to handle everything. I could’ve drunk my sorrows, given up on the church and everything else that mattered. And don’t get me wrong; those thoughts did cross my mind. But it seems without even thinking I knew what I was supposed to do. I went to the temple as soon as I could after I came home to an empty apartment. Yes I bawled through many a session, but I just knew I was supposed to be there. I was so lucky to live five minutes away from the temple, so I could go once or twice a week. (I miss that now that I am in Canada - threeish hours away from the temple). That first nightmarish night I restarted my personal prayers and scripture study, and haven’t missed a day since. I am incredibly grateful these things just came naturally to me. I don’t know why, since they have been sitting on the back burner the past few years. Am I 100% okay now? Not even close. I am still so angry that my eternal companion abandoned me without as much as a note or phone call. I am furious that I didn’t get to decide my own future. It’s not fair that something so sacred and personal was taken away from me, and I didn’t even get a say or an opinion. But deep down I really am grateful and relieved. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I’ve forgotten how happy I used to be and how much happier I can be. I feel like this summer has been such a great experience for me. I lost so much control in areas of my life, and needed to get it back. My parents have been so good to me, and so helpful and loving. They’ve encouraged me and lifted me up. I feel like I have control back. I am so proud of myself for finally sticking to my diet and exercise routine (for the most part) and losing close to 20 pounds so far! Do I have happy feelings towards Tyler? Not a chance. Do I wish bad things would happen to him? Not anymore... But I will definitely run and hide if I ever see him again!
We didn’t read this scripture today, but it was on the next page of where we were, and I have always loved it. D&C 123:17 “Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.” I am not going to let Tyler ruin my chance of eternal exaltation. I am going to be happy and cheerful as I continue to go through this, and a million more challenges.
p.s. I really appreciate all the uplifting comments/messages you have given me through here, facebook, emails, real life. It’s nice to know I have a lot of loving and nonjudgmental friends!
3 comments:
Add me to the list of people that are proud of you! I know you have the strength and ability to face this challenge with grace. Way to go. We will keep praying for your happiness and success. :)
Janae, you are an amazing person. I am proud of you too! That post made me smile really big! I just love you!
You're an example to me, Janae, in how you've handled this big challenge with such dignity! And you're doing exactly the right things to get yourself to the other side of it too - what a smart girl!!
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